Well, I decided to take the advice of Olympics boosters and get in the spirit. So, my son and I went downtown today looking for some fun. To start things off right, and to fully indulge in the Olympic spirit, our first stop was breakfast at McDonalds, the official restaurant of the 21st Olympic Games. It’s not often we go to this place, but what the hell, let’s indulge, eh?
My son convinced me to get him a cinnamon swirl for breakfast, and begged me for a large Coke, too. Of course, I said no. But he kept at it, and argued persuasively that Coke was an Olympic sponsor, too. I thought, kudos to you, kiddo, for being smart enough to exploit the loophole I presented you today. So I relented.
Would you like to supersize that?
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah!!!
Well, he drank about a litre of the stuff, wrangled a refill out of the counter girl, and, when I went to the washroom to vomit up my egg mcmuffins, the little bugger had the gall to swill down half of my Coke too.
Now, most kids these days grow up on chips and pop, so they can handle the stuff by the time they reach 9 years old. Sugar and caffeine coursing through a child’s veins is de riguer in our society. We addict our kids at a very young age.
But we try our best to be responsible parents, and I have never let our son drink Coke and rarely let him have sugary stuff. So, thanks to his abolitionist parents, my son is a bit of a lightweight when it comes to sugar and caffeine. He doesn’t always handle it too well, and today was worse than most days…
As we left the place, I could see in his eyes that something was not quite right. He was literally bouncing off buildings and people, his hands were shaking, and he started spouting gibberish I couldn’t understand.
Well, he practically sprinted up Granville to Georgia, bashing into tourists and public art every three steps, until we ended up where a bunch of protesters had gathered in front of a police line. It was still a peaceful protest at this point, and although there was certainly the potential for things to turn ugly, it didn’t seem too likely, despite what all the reports say about black-clad anarchists looking to fuck things up.
But, after spinning in circles about ten times, my son somehow managed to wrap his scarf around his face and eyes. To the surprise of anarchists and cops alike, my pint-sized whirling dervish began body checking newspaper boxes over, punching parked cars, and kicking cops in the shins.
At this point, all the chicken-shit anarchists must have feared that they were going to look like a bunch of woosies for just chanting some lame slogans and carrying signs. They were being shown up by a little kid!
Finally, when my son (with superhuman strength, mind you) picked up a paper box and hurled it through a window at the Bay and yelled, “Corporate greed is ruining the world!” the anarchists finally got the balls to join in.
The riot had started, but, to be honest here, the anarchists did very little of the damage. Sure, they took all the credit to try and save face (which is fine by me), but most of the VANOC cars damaged and paper boxes overturned and broken windows were actually the result of a kid with way too much Coca Cola in his system.
So, I apologize sincerely to the people of Vancouver on behalf of my son, the agent provocateur who actually started the riot today. All we really wanted was to have an Olympic experience, get in the official spirit of the Games, and have some good, clean fun.
The mainstream media will, predictably, blame the anarchists for all the trouble. But the reality is, my son simply ate too much sugary Mcdonalds food and drank way too much Coke. And then he went berserk.
So, when you think about it, the big corporations really are to blame for the sad state of affairs that occurred today.
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