Wordsworth Retweeting

“On the day when you again allow abominable men to confiscate your freedom, your money, your lives, your private property, your manhood and your sacred honor, in the name of “security” or “national emergency’” you will die, and never again shall you be free.

If plotters again destroy your Republic, they will do it by your greedy and ignorant assent, by your disregard of your neighbors’ rights, by your apathy and your stupidity.

We were brought to the brink of universal death and darkness because we had become that most contemptible of people — an angerless one.

Keep alive and vivid all your righteous anger against traitors, against those who would abrogate your Constitution, against those who would lead you to wars with false slogans and cunning appeals to your patriotism.”

– Taylor Caldwell, The Devil’s Advocate (1952)

Dear Bob

*

“Going Green”: VANOC Releases Staff/Volunteer Training Video

In an apparent attempt to counter The Suzuki Foundation’s criticism of the “Carbon-Free Games”, today VANOC released to the media their “Going Green” training video for the thousands of volunteers and staff working during the Games. Training and orientation sessions have been ongoing since January for those working at the many Olympic venues, and VANOC is hoping to counter criticism that they aren’t doing enough to educate about the environment.

The volunteers that I overheard after seeing the training video had mixed reviews, including, “Interesting…” “Ew, that was just weird.” “Totally Predictable.” “Whatever.” And, “OMG, that was fugly.”

One volunteer even claimed that he had seen the video on Youtube. “It was over a year ago, dude. Like, it’s super news. VANOC is so lame!”

VANOC spokesman, Yesman Ina Soot, confirmed the allegation and explained the reasoning behind copying a cartoon video from Youtube and using it for training purposes, stating that, “Our intentions were to produce this training video at the least cost to both the taxpayer and the environment, and I think we delivered in spades on both counts.” He added, “Internet piracy is a carbon neutral video production option: it didn’t cost the environment or taxpayers a penny to produce. How could any responsible Government be expected to say “No” to such an option, if it so readily exists?”

When questioned about the message VANOC was sending by using a satirical cartoon video as a means to educating staff and volunteers about climate change solutions, Yesman looked quizzical, and said, “There is nothing satirical about this training video.”

He continued, “Hopefully, the deep lessons learned – especially after the death of the polar bear trapped in the Hummer at the end — will resonate with all our workforce, and they will take that message forth and spread it to everyone they greet during the Games: the Western lifestyle doesn’t have to change for us to Go Green. All the people who are always so negative and talk so much that they eventually “kill the polar bears” will not stand in the way of our govenment’s determination to take action and Go Green.”

See for yourself, watch “Going Green“, the VANOC staff/volunteer training video. It just might inspire you, too!

The Taxman Cometh, and She’s a Babe in High Heels

“To tax and to please, no more than to love and to be wise, is not given to men.”

– Edmund Burke, 18th Century Irish philosopher and statesman

*  *  *

About two weeks after “Black Friday” in late August when I got the mass email from the Provincial Government that all BC Lottery funding to the Arts was being chopped by Campbell’s Liberals like so much dead beetle wood (see September 09 posts), I received a phone call from the Canada Revenue Agency.

Already reeling from the Provincial cuts and facing the likelihood that the arts program I’d run for nine years was going to go belly up, the Feds now wanted an audit. Let’s really put the boots to those charities!

Fuck. Really? Now that we can’t afford legal and accounting advice, you want to audit us?

The woman on the phone was pleasant enough and very sympathetic to our plight, but, of course, there wasn’t any choice in the matter.

Well, months later, she finally arrived on the boat from Victoria after braving a sailing delay, stopping for a capsized ferry righting, and construction/Olympic closures all the way into town.

Silly me, I was expecting a frumpy, joyless, bespectacled hag with bad breath and a wart on her nose. I opened the door to a tall, fashionable, totally hot babe.

She wafted in on a cloud of delectable perfume, her long hair flowing and feathered, her big, green eyes sparkling with confidence and no-nonsense vigour.

I was still a little stunned when we sat down at the table to get to work. And then she did one of the sexiest things I have ever seen a hot babe do:

She flashed me her badge.

Well, we got along great. She was articulate, good humoured and full of information. The audit process was tough, but fair. We have nothing to hide but years of good works and due diligence, so I was never too concerned about the audit, per se, other than it being an excruciating way to spend an afternoon; getting henpecked by a picky bean counter for hours on end.

But it was a whole lot less painful looking into those lovely eyes all afternoon.

I was actually sorry to see her go….

*  *  *

Jock Worship

First Text Message of the Day

Quick! Disinvoke reality. Commence non-committal dance party.

“Captain’s Blog… Um… you know what, I’m so over my blog. Whatever.”

Because there’s nothing worse than the sudden realization that you are lame, even if you are the only Hipsters in Space.

Back from The Waste Land

What are the roots that clutch, what branches grow

Out of this stony rubbish? Son of Man,

You cannot say, or guess, for you know only

A heap of broken images

*     *     *

Spaceman Invades Nat Bailey Stadium! Fans’ Brains Transported

Bill “Spaceman” Lee always had a problem with authority. In the 70s, he formed a group of counterculture Red Sox pitchers called the “Buffalo Heads”, which included Fergie Jenkins, who became the first Canadian inducted into the Baseball Hall of Fame. Sensing a career in politics, in 1988 Lee ran for the President of the United States as leader of the Canadian Rhinoceros Party. His campaign slogan was, “No guns! No butter! They both kill.” (If you know your economic theories, it ain’t as silly as it sounds — especially these days.) The Spaceman often got in trouble for his outspokenness, and once got suspended from baseball for telling a reporter he sprinkled pot on his pancakes. Warren Zevon even wrote a song about him called, simply, “Bill Lee”.

It’s not surprising he was a junk ball pitcher.

Mostly off-speed stuff, like his looping spaceball that floated in at half speed with little spin… so tempting to take a big fat swat at if you’re a batter, but you never know which way it’s going to break at the end. And with every big swing-and-a-miss, you look like a bigger fool in front of 50,000 people. Nothing worse than a pitch that messes with your head. It can make hitters crazy with frustration. Cause them to feel angry and mean. Drive them to do something truly monstrous. Just ask Tony Perez.

Although he was a legend in Boston in the 1970s, and 100% business when he was on the field, the Spaceman’s off-field antics eventually got him traded in 1978. Ironically, he was banished up to Canada, where his career abruptly ended a few years later on the Montreal Expos. He still had plenty of good years left in him, but he finally got blackballed from baseball after staging a protest against the trading of one of his friends from the team. Even in Canada, he was undermining the powers-that-be.

* * *

Although Lee only appeared occasionally in relief, he was still an integral part of the bullpen during the Expos’ historic playoff run in 1981. In the first and only international National League Championship ever played, the Expos were deadlocked 2-2 with the powerhouse Los Angeles Dodgers. If Montreal won Game 5, it would make history as the first World Series ever played outside of the United States. The opportunity for Canada’s team to stick it to the Yanks and win at their most cherished game was relished by our whole nation. For the first time in ages, French and English in Canada were on the same side. It was a unifying moment.

It was to be the Dodger’s super rookie Fernando Valenzuela against Expos’ legend Steve Rogers, in a classic pitching duel. But rain caused the highly anticipated sudden-death game to be postponed from Sunday to Monday afternoon. For us out on the West Coast, the game in Montreal began early in the day. Not many people showed up for work and, at our school, the teachers even brought out TVs and we all watched the big game. It was that HUGE. The country was enthralled.

It was a tense, tight game: 2-1 Dodgers in the bottom of the ninth with two out and the game-tieing and game-winning runs on base for the Expos. It all came down to one of our sluggers, Jerry White, who promptly grounded out to second. The dream was dead.

Back to earth.

That day was tagged “Blue Monday” in reference to the “Dodger Blue” that had beaten us. America, as usual, had came out on top, even with a joke president like Ronald Reagan now in charge… sigh. The Expos never made it back to the post season.

As a fourth-decade Canuck fan, I have become used to sporting disappointments, but this was a particularly tough defeat early in my lifetime of sports memories. It still hurts, after all these years. When the Blue Jays won the World Series in 1993, I hardly cared. I was still an Expos fan. And born a West Coaster, I naturally hate all Toronto franchises anyway. I will never accept the Blue Jays as Canada’s team, even now that the Expos no longer exist. C’est la vie.

* * *

Above is Bill Lee’s Topps rookie card from 1970, which he signed for my son last Monday at Nat Bailey Stadium: “Bill Lee Earth 2009″. Notice the “H” that is heading “down to earth.”

* * *

Bill Lee

You’re supposed to sit on your ass and nod at stupid things
Man, that’s hard to do
And if you don’t, they’ll screw you
And if you do, they’ll screw you, too

When I’m standing in the middle of the diamond all alone
I always play to win
When it comes to skin and bone

And sometimes I say things I shouldn’t
Like…

And sometimes I say things I shouldn’t
Like…

by Warren Zevon